Seek to Be Understood
By Peter Benson, MA, LMFT
Have you ever felt misunderstood or ignored or frustrated because you feel like your partner doesn’t understand? Doesn’t understand what you want, what you need, what you mean…Me too. These feelings can create a resentment that underlies our communication and a wall begins to form that keeps us emotionally aloof from our partner. I would suggest that this distance also serves to save us from disappointment and pain that comes with feeling misunderstood, ignored, and frustrated. This protective aloofness can create distance in your relationship in unintended ways. You might be asking, how do I take down this wall and help them understand? First, seek to understand (see last week’s blog post) and then seek to be understood.
Seeking to be understood is a journey not a destination. Yes, this may sound a little cliché but it is the truth. It takes consistent, intentional effort to build and then to maintain this level of understanding. There is much to share and learn on this subject. With limited time, I offer a few cautions and a few suggestions:
CAUTIONS
- 1- Your partner cannot read minds. If you are human, you have probably been frustrated that your partner has not done something or said something that you thought they should have. When seeking to be understood it is important to speak your truth. Dr. John L. Lund would say, “Say what you mean and mean what you say.” It is sometimes helpful to have a phrase that cues your partner in like, “To speak my truth, I wish you would have asked me before allowing Jimmy to go to his friend’s house.”
- 2- Be gentle and expect to apologize for unintended offense. Speak with understanding (because you have sought to understand and know it takes courage) and if by chance you are like me and speak words that cause unintended offense, apologize and attempt to say it another way so that you can be understood.
SUGGESTIONS
- 1- If possible, set aside a specific time to talk with your partner when you both can focus. This way you are both in “the know” about the conversation, you don’t have other interruptions, and you can both come prepared to use your finely honed communication skills.
- 2- As you seek to be understood do so when you are not flooded with emotion (anger, fear, resentment etc.). When you brain is flooded your ability to use your frontal lobe, the reasoning and rational part of your brain, is not able to function at its best.
- 3- Be thoughtful of what you are saying and how you are saying it. You and I know that some things just need to be said; you can still use tact. Purposefully eliciting an emotional reaction from your partner will not help them seek to understand. You might yourself the question, “what is my partner hearing?”
- 4- Be gentle but direct. As mentioned before speak your truth; partial truths only make it so you are not truly understood. It may also be requisite to ask yourself, what part of this am I responsible for? And, take responsibility for your part.
- 5- Ask your partner to tell you what they heard to ensure you are being heard and understood. If you are finding that you are not being understood and you are both getting frustrated and the efforts seem fruitless try the following formula: YOU: I feel __________ (an emotion/feeling word) when you _______________ (specific behavior) and the message I get is _____________________. ***Be sure you use an emotion or feeling. Be sure you are not saying “I feel that…” “That” is not an emotion.*** PARTNER: You feel __________ (repeating what you said) when you__________ and the message you get is ________________. ***The repeating does not have to be verbatim but it should catch the essence of what you said*** Take it slow. Take time outs. It will work.
- 6- Show gratitude for your partner’s efforts. It is important that they know that this is important to you.
As mentioned at the beginning, this is a journey. It takes consistent time and effort. It is best if it is a mutual endeavor. Most of all, it is okay if you need help figuring it out; there is no shame in seeking help. Book your appointment with Sage Family Counseling today by clicking here.
As you seek to understand and seek to be understood, your communication will improve and with that, your relationship. You may also find that there are higher levels of listening and communicating skills that you would like to develop. Look next week for a post about Empathetic Listening.
