March 9, 2022

Using Mindfulness for Yourself and Your Marriage

by Charity Hotton, MFT Associate

What is Mindfulness?

When people hear the word ‘mindfulness’ it can conjure images of anything from taking a deep breath in the moment, all the way up to sitting cross-legged meditating for hours focusing on breathing and imagining beaches. Mindfulness has come to the forefront of medical and mental health practices because of its powerful impact on mind and body.

Mindfulness is the practice of being truly and completely ‘there’ in the present moment with whatever is happening. It has become commonplace to use television, social media, or video games as an escape from the world, making mindfulness a scary concept for some. However, it has been shown over and over again that escape actually increases stress while attending to what is happening decreases stress. As an example, think about the last time you were upset and your spouse hugged you while you cried and just breathed together versus the last time you were upset and you each went to opposite corners of the house to do your own thing. Which action fits best or feels best for you? Escape and distancing or staying present and responsive?

Benefits of Mindfulness

When we are using mindfulness regularly, it has the ability to improve physical and emotional health, reduce stress, and improve our relationships not only with our spouse but our friends and family too. Mindfulness can help in the following ways:

Mindfulness makes us more present and attentive so we can be better listeners.
Mindfulness improves the ability to respond rather than react emotionally.
Mindfulness reduces stress allowing for more thoughtful engagement with others.
Mindfulness makes us more aware of our own emotions, how we are feeling, and how we are dealing or not dealing with stress.
Mindfulness helps us to be able to be empathetic to others.

Practical Mindfulness

Take 5 minutes a day to focus on your breathing; not fast, not slow, just breathe.
If unnecessary or negative thoughts enter your mind, don’t fight them, allow them to linger for a moment and then let them go. It helps to visualize them moving away from you.
Be present. Many people say this, but what does it mean? Allow yourself to be doing what you are doing at any given moment. If you are cooking dinner, cook dinner with your whole body and mind.

Reading Suggestions

Mindfulness is far too broad to cover in a short post, but let me recommend a few resources to consider: Arriving at Your Own Door by Jon Kabat-Zinn and The Stress-Proof Brain by Melanie Greenberg.

References:

Gambrel, L. E., & Keeling, M. L. (2010). Relational aspects of mindfulness: Implications for the practice of marriage and family therapy. Contemporary Family Therapy, 32(4), 412-426. Retrieved from: https://www.gottman.com/blog/building-your-marriage-on-the-four-foundations-of-mindfulness/

Wachs, K., & Cordova, J. V. (2007). Mindful relating: Exploring mindfulness and emotion repertoires in intimate relationships. Journal of Marital and Family therapy, 33(4), 464-481.